I know it been a minute since my last blog post but a lot have transpired in the last couple of months. I must say that falling in love with myself, opened my eyes up to many things that I was not aware of before. I learned that my tolerance for others have reached a level below 0. I’ve became more outspoken about what I deserve and very unapologetic. I now realized that I needed to be by myself in order to find true love. So many people are afraid of the thought of being lonely because they are afraid of what they would truly find out about themselves. They are afraid that somehow loneliness will change them to the point that they become unrecognizable. If your going through a break up or a time out from a relationship then change is inevitable.
Self- reflection is a must if you ever want that happily ever after. We love to put the blame on others when shit just don’t work out but do we ever stop to think what have we contribute to the problems that have been occurring in our lives? What part did we play in the shit going left?
A relationship after trauma is the most difficult thing that survivors have to face. After time, healing and readjusting to our new life- we tend to believe that we are ready to move on. Healing from an abusive relationship is like a deep wound healing process: long and painful. When we think that we are all healed up and ready to face love again- here we go bumping into love and reopening that same wound that we thought was healed altogether. If the wound was never addressed appropriately in the first place, it’s susceptible to infection.
I was foolish enough to believe that I could jump right into a relationship after coming out of a toxic one. I was naive to think that all of the hurt and pain that I endured in the past could just be easily erase due to a new found love. I did the therapy and the alone time but I did not use this time wisely. I should of took this precious time to figure out who I was and what I wanted because we so often loss ourselves in whatever relationship that we are in.
I know now that it is imperative to become your own person before getting involved in a relationship. Build yourself; established your own shit; become accomplished- grow into your own before you decide to grow with someone else. I was too young to realize this. I was too eager to just be with someone because I was 23 with three small children and all I knew was how to be a mother. I wanted my children to grow up in a home that was different from mines- A two parent home. It made logically sense when my two oldest children’s father came back into my life to try to make this work. I was three months fresh out of my toxic relationship and thought I was ready to actually be loved the way I deserve. The problem was I didn’t know how I deserved to be loved because I never placed the focus on loving me. People only treat you the way that they see you treating yourself. I was never the perfect example of how I was supposed to be treated.
12 years later, I finally realized that I am to blame for the brokenness of my marriage. I allowed my husband to do the bare minimum because I was to afraid to speak up against it. When you have been in a toxic relationship for so long, you become conditioned to the dynamics of that relationship. You remain silent because you are afraid of the end result. You want to trust your new partner but you can’t because no one have ever showed that they were trustworthy. You hide your true feelings because your unsure what their feelings involved . You don’t know how to communicate effectively because communication in your eyes always end up in physical, verbal or mental abuse. I say all of this to say: we are not even aware that we are still acting as though we are in an abusive relationship until sometimes it’s too late. I’m not saying all of the blame should be placed on us. What I am saying is that a lot of issues could of been avoided if we had took the necessary time to heal.
It’s Time to Heal
Being separated for these last couple of months, I had to do some deep soul searching. Along with my therapist, I have been able to realized that I never completely healed from the past traumas in my life like I thought I did. Not only was I still holding on to the pain from my abusive relationship; I was also harboring feelings of abandonment from my mother. When you thought that you completely got over something but it resurfaced like it never left is the worst feeling in the world. I needed this time to actual heal, correctly in order for me to realize who I am. This healing process has been extremely hard because I never expected to feel all of the feelings and emotions associated with the pain. I begin to use this pain in my writings and so I started my book. I never realized how hesitant I was in the beginning to start writing my book but as I work on it, the reason have become more and more evident. It has been times I had to stop writing to regroup. Stirring up old memories is a bitch but it is very much so needed. These memories had been a constant reminder of how far I had come in my life and now I have a new appreciation for myself.
My advice for anyone out there that is trying to love again- please take your time. Take that time to get to know who you are and to treat yourself better than you have ever treated yourself before. Know your triggers so that you are aware and be ready to communicate them to your partner. Fall in love with yourself not just love yourself because once you fall in love with yourself, you gain a whole new respect and dignity for yourself.