What’s your Addiction?

So this blog post is inspired by a conversation I had with a woman a couple of weeks ago.

This woman reached out to me for some advice and a listening ear. She have been going through a nasty divorce settlement with her abusive husband and have been looking forward till the day it is finally finalized. A week before the final divorce hearing, she began to feel not so sure about her decision. She was clearly over him and the relationship but for some reason a wave of doubt started clouding her judgment. She began to start feeling physically sick and not being able to sleep and/or eat. Depression began to consume her again and she didn’t have no drive to carried out her day. She wanted me to tell her that she was crazy and needed her head examined. I couldn’t tell her that because it was the furthest from the truth. As she explained her symptoms, it felt like the symptoms I had a couple of months ago; I knew exactly what she was feeling and going through.

Love is the most addictive drug to try to get over from. It is especially difficult when you have been in love and involved with that person for so long that you begin to live for them. I had a hard time processing that my marriage was possibly over. The truth is, it been over for a long time but neither one of us wanted to admit it or except it. I keep questioning my decision time and time again about letting go. The first time that we separated, I went through the motions. I started feeling physically sick; I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get through the day because I was so depressed. I cried myself to sleep at night and found myself calling him constantly because I was worried about him moving on with someone new. We decided that we was better together than apart and he moved back in.

Now, I didn’t realize at the time that I was in denial about the condition of our relationship. I kept revoking back to a situation that I thought had potential but in all reality he is going to be who he is and I’m going to remind who I am and that is perfectly fine. Realizing this made me come to the conclusion that it was a waste of time and energy to keep fighting for something that will never be. The woman that I counseled said something that her soon-to- be ex husband said to her once that really had me thinking. She said that her husband once told her that she was addicted to marriage and would never let him go for that reason.

How many of us are addicted to the idea of marriage? We so much want that title of wife and/or husband and will fight for that title at no cost. I know so many people in loveless marriages all because it looks right to the world but what about what you are taking away from yourself -all to feed this addiction. I now see that I was addicted to marriage and this has clouded my perception of what love suppose to be like. I fell in love with the idea of waking up to the same person, everyday, for the rest of my life. I became addicted to the title of wife and belonging to someone for eternity. That addiction started to eat away at my self respect, well-being and self-esteem and I was beginning to not even recognized the person that was looking back at me in the mirror.

I’ve worked so hard on building my self esteem back up and loving on me and to let all of that good work go away for an addiction would be dumb on my part so I had to begin the detox process. Detoxing from love is the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. I had to numb my heart and learn how to control my emotions because I could no longer allow this addiction to control me. I had to tell myself that this relationship is not healthy for either of us and to let go. Was it easy? No. Is it easy? No. I still love him but now I love myself more so that overshadows everything and anyone. So, if your struggling with letting go- do know that it is a hard process but it’s necessary.

Erase that number; block them on social media; stop taking their phone calls; keep yourself busy; focus on yourself- love yourself and last but not least, give yourself time to heal. Never start another addiction while getting over a old one because what will happen is that you relapse and find yourself back in the same predicament you are fighting so hard to get out of.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s