Hey everyone! Today have been a really hard day for me. I’m being too blunt so let me rephrase that. Today has been a really shitty day for me!
Today marks the 10th year of marriage to my husband and instead of celebrating today, I was reminded of why this marriage need to come to an end. The last couple of months have been a lot of ups and downs; disappointment after disappointment; heartbreak after heartbreak until I stop caring. I had to start numbing my heart for further damage to it.
It’s hard when you love someone so much and for so long to just completely stop loving them. I have seek the advice of others; sat through therapy sessions; mediated for countless hours to come to the conclusion that I am falling out of love with my spouse. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love him and he will always have a special place in my heart. I fell out of love with the idea of marriage. This marriage have not been the walk in the park for either of us and I get there are challenges with ever marriage. My thing is, with each challenge, there should be growth.
In the last 10 years, I have grown while he have stayed comfortable. Two individuals, sharing a life together should be taking those needed steps together towards a better future. I’ve been taking steps alone in a relationship and that’s not a good feeling or look. I’ve always seen the potential in my husband and that’s what I fell in love with- the potential and not the reality. As I become older, the reality overshadows the potential and words are no longer accepted. I fell in love with what I wanted and disregarded what he wanted. I never once thought that this was who he was and I would had to learn to accept it. I instead prayed that he would be the man that I knew he could be.
I’m hurt because we was supposed to last forever and I never thought that I would fall out of love with him. He was my first Love so how do a person move on from that? How am I suppose to trust another person with my heart. Shit is different with me now! I know my worth and will not accept or tolerate anything less so will I ever find someone to measure up to that? I never thought falling out of love would hurt so damn much and it truly does and now I have to find a way to adjust and move on.
My advice to whoever is out there playing tug a war with their emotions and not sure if the marriage is worth the effort. Trust your instincts! If your doing everything right and shit is still going wrong than you need to take a harder look into reality. A relationship requires two people that are committed and devoted in making things work. Never feel bad about your choice because shit oftentimes do not work out and that’s ok. I can say, through all of this- I have no regrets at all. In the past ten years, I have learned what it is to love and to be love. Now I’m focused on me and what I deserve and I have to tell you that is the best feeling in the world when you put yourself first! Although I’m hurt now and it feel like my world is breaking in a million pieces; I’m Beginning to fall in love with the idea of not being in love. It’s time to start mending my heart because now I know that I need more than love to make me happy.