I know it been a minute since I wrote a blog post but I needed some time to sort out some things. I have recently started therapy again in hopes of saving my marriage but it has become clear that I needed the saving from myself. In the midst of loving my damn self first, I begin to realize that I have lost myself some time ago. Therapy is really helping me tap into my inner self and although it’s scary; it’s very much needed to learn who I am.
Today, in therapy, my therapist helped me realize that I have some trust issues to work through. She asked me a question that really had me in my thoughts which prompted this blog post. The question she asked was do I believe my husband can change into the man I want him to be or do I trust he can changed? I do wholeheartedly believe that a person is capable of change but my trust in people to change is slime to none because of past experiences of people disappointing me time and time again. So this is where my trust issues come into play in which I never thought I had until now.
When people hear trust issues they assume that a person have been cheated on, time and time again. To my knowledge (because one may not know), my husband have not cheated on me but he have distorted my trust in him in more ways than one. I often pride myself on being independent and tough because I was always forced to be this way. I didn’t have anyone to lean on for support and when I thought I did, it was just a disappointment so I stop looking for it. Even when I became a wife; I still withhold that independency because I did not know how to allow any in nor did I allow myself to be vulnerable.
Trust is that feeling you have when you relied on other people to be fair, honest and respectful. When a person develops trust issues, it is an result of that trust that you have placed in others being destroyed. The moment I allowed myself to become vulnerable and lean on my husband for support was the last time I will ever allow myself to become vulnerable to anyone ever again. For once in my life, I needed support and I didn’t received it. I know everything happens for a reason but I still don’t know the reason why I injured myself last year at work to caused me to be incapable of performing my job. That resulted with me resigning and be jobless the first time in my working history.
My perception was that when one person in a relationship slacks, the other person supposed to pick up that slack until he or she can carry it again. My husband was not use to picking up slacks because I was always carrying mines and his. Trusting someone with your entire well being is hard and I just realized that I never will be able to trust anyone with my well-being again. Let’s face it- Trust issues come from being fucked over! I’m an perfectionist and when shit needs to get done- it get done. Losing my job, humble me and caused so much pain all at the same time. The pain was caused because the person that I thought loved me could not carry me. I have always carried people throughout my whole life and I became accustomed to it so much that I thought that was how it suppose to be. I was never taken care of; only by my father until my teen years. I really honestly do want to be dependent on someone but due to my trust issues ; I don’t believe it’s possible. It’s some deep underlying shit that also contributes to my trust issues but for now I will focus on the present issue at hand. Hopefully I can figure out ways to get over my trust issues but I think it’s a good step with acknowledging that I do have them.