I know it been a while since my last blog but I needed a serious time out from everything. I have been feeling so overwhelmed- last year kept hitting me hard with curveballs I was not ready for. I never been so happy to see a year end so fast. Although I’m blessed to see a new year , I’m sadden by the love ones that are not here any longer to share it with me. Last year brought so much pain, hurt and sorrow. Through all of this pain and hurt I became humble in a way I never thought I could be humbled. I don’t do New Years resolutions because to me setting goals prematurely without getting your mind prepared for these goals are just a waste of time. I like to do what I call are New Year reflections of the past year so that I can adjust accordingly for the upcoming year. So let’s begin with my 2018 reflection.
This year started with me losing custody of my 14 year old son- well it changed from me having sole custody to sharing custody with his father. At first I was relieved the battle back and forth in court was finally over because through this whole process we lost sight of what was important and it was our son. As weeks and months went by I begin feeling angry. Angry because this man; my son’s father; won and it wasn’t fair. I thought I dealt with the aftermath of the abuse he inflicted on me in the past but truth of the matter is- do you ever get over that type of pain? Especially by someone who believes that he is the victim and he never abused a sole. This man is abusive and no one seems to care. He manipulated the whole situation and he won. The one good thing about all of this was that the relationship between my son and I have become 100% better.
As I was beginning to get over the reality of not being able to see my son everyday, another tragedy hit- my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly. That hit me like a bag of bricks out of nowhere. I never had a real sense of a mother growing up until I met my mother-in-law when I was 17 years old. This woman was the example of perfect and every way possible and for her to just be gone just like that was unreal. I really begin to question God and life in general. I do understand that we are just here on borrowed time but why did her time had to end so soon? This is when I really started battling with my own mental health again privately. I finally confided in my husband because I know I needed to talk out my feelings to someone. I begin looking at my own life and not being happy with it so I made some irrational decisions like quitting both my jobs so I can start a daycare and be my own boss. Great idea but wrong timing.
When I thought it couldn’t get any worst- it did. My mother’s colonoscopy came back positive and we were placed right back in the ring with that bitch cancer once again. I swear my mother’s strength is simply amazing. I don’t know how a person could battled with cancer for the third time and still maintain a smile on her face. It’s sad that my mom’s tragedy brought us closer together. I’ve learned through all of this that my mother is a really good person that don’t deserve none of this pain. It was a blessing that this go around her colon cancer was only stage 1 but now we have to figure out what brought it back the second time around in the same location.
In the mist of me setting up to open my daycare, another tragedy struck. One of my favorite cousins was killed the day before Thanksgiving. I remember getting the text from his mother and falling to the floor in disbelief. That pain, hurt, anger hit me all once again in full affect. This was not a distant cousin- he was a cousin I grew up with, played with, laughed with, cried with. He was the brother that I wanted my brother to be. For him to be shot down in broad daylight, angers me. I never thought I could be this angry with God and life in general but I was. After his death, I completely started shutting down. I just didn’t wanted to be bothered by no one or nothing. My drive to start my daycare slowly started disappearing and a greater need a self care took over. I needed time to process everything and to figure out who was this new person I was becoming. To see someone I loved loss their life that was so close to my age brought on so many questions for myself. I started questioning every decision I had made up until that very point. Maybe I moved to hastily with quitting my job without considering all factors. By me doing this I brought on so much stress and unwanted anxiety that I have not felt in a long time. The question about my happiness kept popping up. Am I truly happy? What does happiness look like to me? What do I need to do to achieve this happiness?
I never realized how much of a sole provider I was to my family until I could no longer provide. When there is a two income household, all of the responsibilities should not be on just the one spouse. Let me begin by saying that I love my husband deeply. It wasn’t until this year when I realized that you could love someone deeply with your feelings but do not know how to love with your actions. Becoming unemployed for the first time in my working life opened my eyes up. Finances can break or make a couple and it broke us to probably the point of no repair. I finally found myself telling my husband that I was completely done with the relationship in the last month of 2018. At some point you get tired of arguing over the same things over and over again. I can’t change him and he can’t changed me and I can no longer accept this. I found myself wondering over and over again could I possibly be in love with a person that I’m not meant to be with? Everything about us is amazing except when it comes to finances- we can never get that right and it’s going on ten years. The breaking point for me this year was being in jeopardy of being evicted for the first time in my life. As a mother I had always promised to never placed my children in jeopardy of being homeless because I was once homeless so for that to become a reality was the end of all ends. I don’t know what 2019 or the future holds for us but I do know that I need to put me first moving forward.
If I haven’t learned anything else from 2018, I learned one thing- I’m key to my own happiness so fuck everybody else! I no longer care what anyone thinks of me anymore and it’s time for me to start living for me. The year is already off to a great start with me landing a job in my field and so close to home. I’m a sole believer that everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know why all of those series of events happened to me back to back last year but it really was an eye opener. The one good thing I’m proud of myself of is that I completed my first year of Grad school already!! Life is amazingly unexpected and should never be taken lightly so seized the moment and always keep moving forward. Last year was meant to break me but it made me a stronger woman with a higher purpose. One thing for sure, I learn from every life lesson thrown at me so watch out world- You haven’t seen nothing yet!!! Happy New Year Everyone and don’t forget to love your damn self first!