We all have the one family member that we just can’t get along with. The one you just avoid altogether because you know it will just end up in a confrontation anyway. That family member of mines happens to be my brother- that’s right the one I share a mother and father with; the one who I believe was my very first best friend. I have no idea when this disconnect begin because we were so close growing up. Of course we had our occasional arguments that sometimes lead to physical altercations but that’s what being siblings is all about. I love my brother with my whole heart and hating him hurts but it’s necessary.
Growing up, my brother and I did not have our mother as I discussed in my previous blog post. Our father cleaned himself up (he was a alcoholic) so that he could take us in. It’s was always rumors that my father was not my biological dad but I never paid it any mind until my brother begin pointing out our differences and noticing I did not look nothing like our father or anyone in the family. I believe this was the beginning of our forever ending feud. I don’t know if he hated the fact that I was not his father’s daughter but our father still gave me whatever I wanted or that he was just being mean and spiteful.
Despite everything, I have always tried to be that good big sister, even though he shitted on me every chance he had. As a kid, he was always a punk when it came to taking up for himself. We was two years apart but I was always fighting his battles. I never realized though that when I needed a brother to have my back he would duck or run. I remember one incident he got into with a kid around the way who kept bullying him. This kid was beating the shit out of my brother so me being the big sister had to stop it. I didn’t care that he was a boy and that he could perhaps beat my ass the same way he was beating my brother ass but I couldn’t sit around and allow him to continue bullying my brother. I cussed the boy out, told him to get off of my brother before I whipped his ass. He proceeded to call me all kinds of bitches and I proceeded to give him the ass whipping my brother should of gave him. Needless to say this kid was embarrassed about getting beat up by a skinny, bow legged girl and never came around again. Do you think my brother jumped in and help? No he ran like a little bitch in the house and at 12 yrs old I realized that I can’t keep having no ones back that don’t have mines regardless if it’s blood or not.
As we became older, we became more and more distant. The dudes on the streets treating me more of a sister than he did. But that never took away from the fact that whenever he needed me, I was there. When he was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at 15 years old, I was at the hospital everyday- learning about this disease and how to take care of him. I was the one administering his insulin and making sure he eat healthy. When he was arrested at 21 years old for the first time- I was the one seeing him every week and making sure he had commissary. When he didn’t have a place to go when he was released- I took him in without any hesitation and he didn’t pay me a dime. So after all I done for him/ why am I the bad guy?
When your dealing with a person: family or not, that are dealing with their own demons/ you can never answer that question. No matter how much good you do for that person, they will always find something bad about you. I finally realized this and started saying ‘no’ to my brother. At first I felt guilty and wrong but at some point, I had to allow him to grow up. Of course by doing this/ he begin to hate me more and more because I wasn’t there for him when he needed or I deserted him in the world. I could no longer allow someone to continue mentally draining me to the point I was neglecting my own self care. When I begin to let go of the toxicity he was bringing into my life- I begin to have clarity about our relationship. In order for you to become a better you/ you need to let go of the very things that are preventing you to become a better you.