It’s crazy how everything in your world can be going right and BOOM here come a dose of reality peeping right in. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Colon cancer in November 2015. When we received the news it was like a bag of bricks that just hit me all at once. I thought- how could the universe be so cruel? Why her? Why now?
Let me give y’all a little background about my mother and I. I hated my mom majority of my life- yup- hated her. One might asked how could you hate a woman that birthed you in the world? I have no response to that question but what I can tell you was that I wanted to love her. My mother left my younger brother and I at a very young age- actually she have just given birth to my brother and I was around 2 years old. And if we want to get technical- she didn’t leave- she dropped us off at Social Services and keep it moving. The story I heard was that she simply didn’t want us- we were a burden- but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
My mother was born with Autism- back then they called it retardation. Even though she was highly functional- her mind was that of an adolescent. She meet my father at the age of 21- right after she came back to Maryland from attending school for fashion in Indianapolis. My mom was ready to be independent- away from the influences of her sisters so I’m figuring this is why she fell for a man that was 15 years older than her. They conceived me 4 years later and then my brother came 2 years after me. Rumors were that my father was very abusive and my mother couldn’t take it no more so she left and took us with her. How my brother and I ended up in Foster Care will always be a mystery but we spent a good 5 years there in which I can not remember a thing.
Fast forward to now- I realized 4 years ago that in order for me to love myself completely, I had to let go of the hurt and pain that was holding me back from loving period. It took a long road and some things have not still resolved but she is my mother and since I did not have her in my life- I want her to be in my grandchildren lives. So you can imagine the hurt and frustration I felt when we first received the news about her cancer diagnosis. I was just starting to get to love my mother and the thought of her being taking away in the mist of that hurt- bad.
So imagine my frustration and hurt again when I received that call that her cancer was back again and she need surgery as soon as possible. It’s hard to explain how I felt- even as I write this blog. It’s hard enough having to go through all of the chemotherapy and radiation all over again- the sickness, the mood changes, hair loss, weight loss. It’s unfair- it’s fucking nerve wracking when you have to watch a love one suffer and you can’t do nothing about it- that is the worst feeling in the world. I wish I can take away all of her anxiety and pain- I wish I can tell her that it’s going to be okay and mean it but how can I when I don’t even know the outcome myself. All I can do is pray everyday that God continue to keep her strong and that we continue to love and appreciate one another. I can’t get back the past but I can surely create a beautiful present and future and not a day or second go by will be wasted. So Fuck Cancer- you think you won but you haven’t yet. My mother will come out on top again!