When coparenting goes wrong

So we all want that happy ending- boy meets girl- girl and guy falls madly in love- guy proposes to girl- guy and girl get married- they have children and live happily ever after. But come on now: that’s only a fairytale and face it fairytales do not exist. In today’s reality- guy meets girl- they hook up- maybe something special develop out of the hook up for a brief beautiful moment- 80% of the time a child is conceived out of that beautiful moment- probably 30% of couples survive while the others drift apart and that leaves the child/children feeling like their in the middle. So now the adults have to find a way to coexist for the sake of their child/children- you know put away the ill feelings you have for one another and pretend to at least get along. Is it possible?? Yes! Do it happen?? Hell no! Why is that??

Studies have proven that coparenting contributes tremendously to a child’s mental and social wellbeing. You would think that two, rational, intelligent grown adults would want what’s best for their child/children wellbeing and place their needs above their own- how selfless that would be, right? My son’s father and I have been apart for 11 years now- you would think that coparenting would be a piece of cake for us right?? Try again! We still have not managed to get the concept down pack and I’m not writing this blog today to shift all the blame on him because honestly I share some blame in this lack of coparenting as well.

When we first broke up, our son was just 3 yeas old- he had no concept of what was going on or why daddy and mommy was not going to live together no more. It was our responsibility to help our son adjust to the tremendous changes that were about to take place but we didn’t. Instead we continue with the hatred, bitterness, pettiness and the endless arguments. Now our son is 14 and all he know is that his mother and father hates each other. I can only speak for myself in regards to my part in this situation. I was still hurt- mentally, emotionally and physically. This man had abused me almost our entire relationship and now I have to still continue to interact because of our son. I didn’t know how to comprehend that and I damn sure wasn’t ready to forgive and forget so I avoided all communication, cursed him out every chance I was given- denied him visitation: basically I wanted him to hurt as badly as he had hurt me. Was that the must logically thing to do- at the time I was not thinking logically, my pain was overshadowing my logic. With all this back and forth- arguing over who’s right and who’s wrong- who’s the better parent, who did what to who: our child was right there soaking it all up and we was unknowingly damaging him internally.

Part of loving your damn self is learning how to let go of all the pain and hurt that is causing you to not love yourself. Also to stop blaming yourself for all the wrong that is going on in your life. It took years of therapy and self mediation but I finally let go and place the needs of my son first. I begin involving his father and girlfriend in all activities planned for our son. Yes I sat at dinner many occasions with a man I despise just to put a smile on our son’s face. For a moment, I thought everything was going ok until with a blink of a eye we was right back to being at each other’s throat. As I looked back, maybe family counseling would of benefited all of us. You see I did all the work on my end to give my son the happiness he needed but I never considered that maybe his father needed some work to be done internally as well. There always have to be a good cop/ bad cop in every scenario and guess what- my son begin to viewed me as the bad cop. Tension started escalating between him and I, my son became more aggressive with ever conversation and this was spilling over into his interactions at school. This is when coparenting should of became vital and I needed his father so we could put on a united front to address whatever issues that were going on with our son. Instead his father used this opportunity to hurt me. My son had made it clear that he no longer wanted to live with me because I demanded to much from him- I set to many rules- I was too strict- I ridiculed him too much when it came to school and his grades- Basically being a mother but again I was the bad cop. This right here hurt me to the core but I never took a moment to realize how hurt our son have been all these years. Court proceedings started up again- at this point our son was a teenager. Nasty allegations were made to destroy my character, physical threats were made between the two of us and again our son is caught right back in the middle.

We all have that moment when we would like to take it all back. I wish I could say it is a happy ending to all of this but while I am writing this I am also awaiting a decision from a judge to determine if I keep full physical custody of my son in which I had for the last 14 years. It is true behind the saying- Hurt people hurt people. If I have any advice for anybody that seem to not be able to get this coparenting thing right it is this- try harder! This is not for you- it’s for your child/children who did not asked to be here let alone in the predicament you placed them in. Talk to one another and actually listen to what each of you have to say; don’t shut each other out; accept one another significant partner; therapy for must cases is needed and last but not least at the end of the day friendship is warranted between the two. Hopefully we get it right by the time our son is 18 but until then I will continue working on bettering me so that I can better my son and I relationship.

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