How did I ever give someone the power to fuck me up so bad?

Have you ever sat and wonder- why me? Or how did I allow this to happen? It’s bad enough the world question our decision but what the world don’t know is that we are beating ourselves up eternally for the both of us. I was in a relationship for 7 years and it was great in the beginning. He was everything a girl would want out of a boyfriend- charming, attentive, loving, giving, compassionate, faithful so what the fuck went wrong?? I first consider the age difference- he was 9 years older than me. When we first meet I was 16 years old and he was 26 but he lied. That should of been a red flag right there but I turned a blinded eye to that and continued on with the relationship. I should of ran- as far as I could because maybe my life would of turned out differently. When I decided to move in with him at 19 was when things started slowly turning to the worst. I started seeing a possessive, aggressive, jealous, controlling man that I was not use to seeing. He begin to question where I was going and who I was talking to on the phone daily. When I wouldn’t respond back how he expected the verbal abuse started. He would always make sure to let me know that I was not shit because I was not even 21 years old yet and had 2 young children so basically I was damaged goods. He would criticize my job choices constantly because I worked with individuals with mental and physical disabilities and that was ‘dumb’ to him and a waste of time and provided little to no money to assist with bills. Somehow he convinced me to go to college for nursing because that was a better career choice financially. He dictated how I dress, how I styled my hair and the friends I could hang around with. I started to loss myself and did not know how to get her back.  When I started to  realize this- I begin to wanted out of the relationship. He sense this and this is when the physical abuse started. I remember the first time he put his hands on me. I didn’t want to come home so I took my children out for the entire day. Because he did not know of my whereabouts, when I arrived home he became really aggressive with me and all I remember is his hand around my throat and my children crying in the background. The very moment I thought he was going to kill me but he let go of the grip and walked away. Later that night he cried and pleaded with me to not leave him and how sorry he was. I don’t know if I stayed because I was scared or I stayed because I believed him but he just started going downhill from there. The repeated black eyes, bruises on my body, the mental anguish became a norm and I became numb to it all. I stop going around my family because I didn’t want them to see the bruises. I stop hanging out with friends because he would get angry.. I dropped out of school because I couldn’t focus. I kept losing jobs because I would either call out constantly for fear someone would question my bruises or I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I thought at one time my only way out of the situation was to end my life and so I tried a couple of times but my children was my saving grace. People on the outside could never completely understand why a woman would allow someone to abuse her this way and then stay for so long but until you are in that situation you can’t judge her. You couldn’t even begin to know how she feel or what she is going through because trust me the same questions you have for her are the same she have for herself.

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