Depressed are we?

Depressed are we?

As I was watching last week episode of ‘This is Us’ and Toby’s struggles with his depression, it took me back to the time when I heard the words uttered to me ‘you have depression’. No one never want to hear those words, let alone believe them. Studies have shown that 1 out of 12 people are diagnosed with depression every year and that women are more prevalent to having depression than men.

Before I started seeing a therapist, I saw the signs but ignored them. I was in a abusive relationship and did not realize at the time how detrimental it was to my mental health. I would wake up crying everyday because I felt like shit and honestly didn’t want to live anymore. I would wonder ‘why me’? Why was I put in this predicament with a man that hates me one minute and loves me the next? I wouldn’t eat, no desire to have sex with him (I felt disgusted when we would be intimate). I had no desire to tend to my children, let alone get out of my bed. I was always sad and mostly stay to myself at work and school for fear someone would start asking me questions and I would just bust out in tears. It was days, I felt like giving up. I thought that my children would be better off without me. It saddens me as I sit and write this because it’s a place in my life I hate to revisit. It’s hard to phantom that I use to be in a dark place in my life and no one knew it, I shut out my entire family and rarely hardly made any friends. It’s hard to open up to people in fear of being judge. How can you tell someone that you are internally spiraling out of control and don’t know what to do or that you feel alone in a world full of people.

See, I knew something was wrong with me but I was too scared to admit it, let alone admit it to others. I finally came to the conclusion that I needed help when my abusive boyfriend purposed to me. I felt nothing when he did it because to me it was too late. After months of threatening me, hitting me, humiliating me, I didn’t see myself loving him no more- hell I didn’t even like him ( I fucking hated him) but I reluctantly accepted his ring. Why was that? Maybe I thought being engage would change how he treated me and maybe changed my feelings for him. Boy, was I wrong. The abuse became more intense- to the point that if he even raised his voice I would flinch, I was terrified of him. The last incident, I told him I couldn’t do ‘this’ no more and try to give him back his ring. He wouldn’t accept it and went on with his sob story about how much he loved me and that he will not place his hands on me again. I convinced him that we should do couples counseling before deciding on moving forward with the engagement. Surprisingly, he agreed and we started counseling immediately. I remember the first session like it was yesterday. The whole time he sat there and went on and on and on about how he is such a good man and provider. He said that all I do is just sneak behind his back, cheating on him while he work all day and he is tired of being this amazing man that does everything for me. As I sat and listened to him, I became completely numb. I wanted to scream out- tell her how you just beat the shit out of me because you thought I had a man in the house or tell her how you just went to my job and humiliated me because you thought I was missing around with a coworker or tell her the many times you told me I was a piece of shit in front of my children- but I couldn’t- All I did was sat there and cried. The therapist saw how upset I was and asked if she could see me separately at another time. He was so angry about that suggestion- he told her that I will not be seeing her by myself and that we agree to seek counseling together. The therapist explained that she like to see couples individual to get a better picture of the problem. He reluctantly agreed but that entire week leading up to my appointment he sure as hell try to convince me that we don’t need to see her anymore and either went as far as saying that she going to cause ‘us’ to break up.

I knew deep down I needed to see her so I told him I wasn’t but secretly went. During my individual session with the therapist, I was nervous and didn’t know where to even start. She was amazingly comforting and explained to me that anything I disclosed was confidential. She asked me about my childhood, family and me. When it came to answering questions about me, I couldn’t. My responses always included my boyfriend and my children- I never had nothing nice to say about myself. This man had me believing that everything bad that was going on in our relationship was my fault. Every time a man was nice to me it was because I even was asking for the attention or fucking him. I drop out of college because he kept accusing me of not studying when I was and would call me every 30 mins while in class and I felt obligated to answer to avoid another nasty scene. At that point I wasn’t able to concentrate and lost all thrive to continue on with school. I starting feeling this way about work and would call out constantly which cause me to loss more jobs that I could count.

After several sessions with the therapist, she recommended I see a psychiatrist because of my symptoms. When the psychiatrist announced that I had Depression- I was completely numb. I was in denial because how could I have a mental Illness. I blamed how I was feeling on the situation I was in but in reality I was depressed for a very long time before this situation, this just intensified my symptoms. I initially refused to accepted this diagnosis and walked out. I honestly don’t know what made me changed my mind- maybe it was when I broke down one night and couldn’t stop crying after another ugly argument with my boyfriend. My children kept asking me what was wrong and I just couldn’t stop crying, I felt like ending my life right then and there. My oldest son, who was about 7 at the time, gave me a big hug and told me that everything will be alright. From that exact moment, I knew everything was going to be okay because I had to make it okay.

I went back to the psychiatrist a couple days later and she prescribed me a antidepressant called Bupropion. I never been a believer in medicine and it’s healing affects but when I tell you that once this medication started doing it’s job- I begin seeing everything clearly. I was able to focus again, sleep soundly and the crying begin to decrease slowly but surely. The only problem I had with the medication was that I felt numb to everything. I had started to become emotionless in which I didn’t mind when it came to dealing with my boyfriend but when interacting with my children, it was devastating. The doctor had to keep tweaking the dosage until it balanced out in my system.

People don’t believe that Depression is real but trust me it is as real as you see portray on television. Depression can hit you at any moment without any warning and it is the worst predicament to be in. Some clinical signs to look out for are:

  • Anxiety
  • Hopelessness
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
  • Sadness
  • Mood swings
  • Sleep pattern changes
  • Fatigue
  • Loss of appetite
  • Excessive crying
  • Irritability
  • Lack of concentration
  • Social isolation
  • Weight gain or loss
  • Aches, pains, headaches or cramps
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts
  • If you notice any of these signs with you or a love one that persist on for weeks, please seek professional help. Depression is not something you can get over alone and sometimes talking out the issues is not enough. Therapy helped me tremendously but with the assistance of medication, I was able to begin to live like I never lived before. I was able to see that the situation I was in was not healthy and it needed to end in order for me to thrive and be the best mother for my children. I hope that my story helped someone to see that it is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • The Empath and the Narcissist

    The Empath and the Narcissist

    The Empath:

    Empaths are amazing, special individuals- I should know because I’m proud to say that I am a Empath. Empaths have this special gift of placing themselves in other people shoes and feeling everything that they are feeling as if it was them. We feed off of others emotions, mental/physical symptoms and spiritual urges. It was a moment in time that I did not pride myself on being a Empath. Even though I viewed feeling others emotions and energy as a gift it can also be very draining. Imagine walking into a room and initially your overfilled with happiness and with a snap of your fingers, you begin to feel sadness and depression. Empaths go through this roller coaster of emotions, day in and day out, without warning. On top of this, we become overly sensitive to all of these emotions and feelings that we become overwhelm and this in turn take control of our bodies which can cause even more problems, physically and mentally. I thought being hypersensitive was being weak. I use to wonder why do I care so much for people that care so little or why do I overextend myself to make other people happy. I tend to attract individuals that needed guidance and thought it was my mission to guide them. It was a moment in my lifetime that the thought of being in a relationship made me quench- empaths loathes the idea of any type of long term intimate relationship. I couldn’t see myself committed to someone for longer than 6 months but I yearned for that type of commitment (weird, right). Maybe it was the thought of seeing the same person, day in and day out and eventually losing my identity because I would become too engulf with them that I wouldn’t even recognize myself anymore. When we do, however, decide to be in a intimate relationship, we are committed without a fault. We tend to take on the parent/child role in which we become the nurturer and at times it can be overbearing because we tend to cross boundaries unintentionally that often could ruin our relationships at the end. We take on our partners problems as if it was our own and work overtime to make everything better. So who do we tend to fall head over heels in love with dealing with all of this extra baggage?? They say opposites attract and we tend to attract the wrong type of energy/ The Narcissist.

    The Narcissist:

    A Narcissist is a special type of person. If you ever have the pleasure of meeting one or being in a relationship with one you know exactly what I mean by ‘special’. A narcissist is all about themselves. They are number one in their world and never see no fault in themselves at all. When you first encounter a narcissist- they are indeed charming, confident, assertive and exciting. They know exactly what to say and how to say it to wheel you in. As you become more deeply involved with a narcissist/ their true colors starts to show. Their confidence turns into boastfulness – the charm turns into offensiveness- the excitement turns into agony and the assertiveness turns into manipulation. A narcissist lacks empathy for others but are capable of love- yes- I said it- capable of love! They seek out individuals that can acknowledge their special qualities frequently- ego stroke as you will. A narcissist feeds off of a person that they can manipulate- someone who emotions they can toy with without any repercussions. This is the reason why a narcissist seeks out a empathetic partner.

    Empaths are easy marks for narcissists. Their fear and rage can sap their energy and peace of mind to the point that they can make a empath believe they’re unworthy and unlovable. So one would ask- how the hell a empath who can feel a person bad energy a mile away; who make decisions off of intuition could fall for a narcissist? I have been trying to answer this question for a very long time because I indeed fell for a narcissist. When I first meet my ex/ I did get this bad feeling about him and initially left him alone. He found his way back in my life a year later when my guard was down and I was feeling vulnerable. I fell for the charm, the empty promises, his drive, his commitment and did not think at one time it was a act. Everything was going well until I decided to move in with him. At the same time I moved in- he was laid off his job. I tried everything in my power to not have him feel bad about his situation but he had a way of projecting his feelings of inadequacy on me. He would criticize everything that I do to make me feel just as bad as he did. The more I try to make things right the more he made me feel like shit. The longer I stayed in the relationship the more I started to hate myself. Day in and day out, he would belittle me when he even sense a little bit of happiness. When things started going right for me as far as new job, starting college- he would try his best to discourage me. When he saw that his words was not affecting me anymore, he started resorting to physical violence . It took 4 years after the physical abuse started to finally say enough was enough. I had to learn to stop allowing this man to turn me into something that I was not. For the longest time, I felt sorry for him and each time he would apologize- I would believe him. I thought he could change- would change but he never did and there was nothing I could do to change that.

    Being a empath, you have to learn how to not take on everybody’s problems as your own. Learning how to back away is one of the hardest thing for us to do but it can be done. First we need to break away from the person and/or things that are bringing us down emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Secondly, we need to set healthy boundaries for ourselves- not getting too in depth with others problems that will bring more harm then good and allowing the other person to figure it out on there own. Lastly, mind your business!! Some situations do not need your input and it’s best to just stay away.

    Who you Friends with?

    Who you Friends with?

    Friends!- How many us have them?? Ones we can depend on???

    Who remember Whodini’s song back in the 80’s called Friends. This word is loosely used in today’s society because must people don’t know what it means to be a friend let alone the significance of being a friend. Choosing a friend should be similar to choosing a mate. The same rigorous process we place our potential mates through when pursuing them is the same process we should put our potential friends through-why??? Because like a marriage/partnership/ courtship, a friendship suppose to last forever as well. Our friends are the ones that we share our deepest, intimate thoughts and secrets with- they are the ones that suppose to stick with us through thick and thin.

    The older you get the more you start to appreciate and know the value of true friendship. In my twenties, I seem to always gravitate to people that gravitated to me and at a blink of a eye, we were friends. I was the type of person that will bend over backwards just to make sure you are okay (notice I used past tense) I never really questioned other people motives because I just thought that if a person called you their friend they most really care about you. Well, that was absolutely not true! I’ve learned that some people befriend you for their own benefit. They imposed themselves on your life just to see how much they can get from you until they mentally and emotionally drain you dry. Part of loving your damn self first is knowing what you are willing to tolerate and also knowing when to cut people the fuck off. I use to believe that you suppose to have a clique of friends if you want to be seen and known. I use to envy individuals that hade a shit load of friends that they hang out with, party with constantly. What I have learned from individuals that always surround themselves with a bunch of people is that they have a bunch of insecurities that they need to deal with. These individuals don’t truly know who they are and because of that they surround themselves with individuals that they want to be like.

    On my journey of loving my damn self first, I had come to realize that some of my ‘friends’ had to go. It not because I didn’t love them any less it was because I loved myself more. Some of these individuals thrived off of my misery. When I was going through the trauma of my domestic relationship, they were there- consoling me, advising me, being supportive or so I thought. When I finally let go of the pain, the hurt, the man and started focusing on me- they couldn’t of disappeared fast enough. This might sound crazy but a lot of people do not want to be friends with strong individuals because I guess it make them start looking at their own weaknesses. It’s okay to have weaknesses as long as you can admit to these weaknesses and embrace them as you do your strengths. I begin to realize that I no longer want to be friends with people that wear a mask constantly- who are afraid to just be themselves.

    I have set strict standards for who I allow to be my friend. I no longer befriend individuals that are selfish, self centered, untrustworthy and not loyal. I expect the same energy I give back in return. Knowing what type of people you want in your circle is the best thing that you could do for yourself. Also knowing the people that no longer need to be in your circle is also a win-win for you. I have no problem telling a ‘friend’- you are draining me and I no longer need you in my life. For your own growth, sometimes this is very necessary. So if you want to continue on this amazing path of loving your damn self first, evaluate the people that are taking up unnecessary space in your life, who are not for you but against you, that don’t contribute to your growth and is constantly hindering yours. It’s time to let go and make room for the people that are meant to be in your life.

    I would like to say a special thank you to two of my closest girlfriends that have been my rock no matter. It’s true what they say that it’s not the length of time that determine a friendship but the amount of times that person is there for you.

    Another Birthday

    Another Birthday

    It’s hard to believe that I’m half way through my 30’s already. My 30’s have been so good to me thus far. It was in my 30’s when I started loving my damn self and putting me first. Your 30’s is when you begin to reflect, settle down and build your life. This is when you suppose to have it all figure out and be ready to take charge of your life (or so they say). At almost 37 in two days, I finally feel at peace with myself- something I have never felt before. In the past, it always felt like I was playing tug-a-war with myself. I felt pulled in one direction but would ignore the urge and go in a totally different direction. I always had this feeling that I was missing something and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I spent the majority of my life being told what I should do, but I really didn’t know what I wanted. Think about it, we’re conditioned from birth about how things should be done at certain stages of our lives. We believe the things that are being taught to us because we don’t know any better or haven’t learned another way.

    During our 20’s is when we begin exploring life and testing these theories we have been taught. Must of us utilize this time to explore, others become sidetracked with all the world’s temptations. I use to regret my 20’s- mainly because my 20’s consisted of me growing up too fast. I had my first three children by the age of 23 and haven’t even begun to explore. I was sidetracked and begin going in the direction that others wanted me to go. I placed college on the back burner because I had refused to sit home and collect welfare checks so I decided to work two sometimes three jobs. Once I realized what I wanted, I begin to walked a new path. I was shy away from my 30’s when I finally received my Bachelors degree in Psychology. I finally felt accomplished but not satisfied- I wanted more, I deserved more. If its not one thing I haven’t learned thus far, it is this: life is full of endless possibilities. I didn’t see this in my 20’s because I didn’t see the potential within myself. So, now I don’t regret my 20’s, I respect my 20’s because it shaped me into the strong, courageous, determined woman I am today. I use to get sad around my birthday because I felt I wasted yet another year of my life but now I look forward to turning another year. I look forward to accomplishing the goals I set for myself and creating new ones to accomplish during the next chapter of my life. So come on 37- I’m ready!

    If you get a chance- check out for some good laughs to lift your spirits!

    Loving Your Damn Self

    Loving Your Damn Self

    We often lose the very being of ‘self’ when involved in any type of relationship- being intimate, friendship, partnership- any type of union. Most of us don’t realize it but we change into the person ‘they’ want us to be and at the same time lose the concept of who we use to be. For this very reason we find ourselves ‘fucking’ ourselves because we are depriving ourselves of our own happiness. So how do we get back to loving our damn self first? Here are a few of my tips on how to accomplish this simple but very necessary task.

    1) Let the fuck Go!

    Toxicity is poisonous to your soul. Why would you want to keep anyone in your space that is simply killing ‘you’ internally? It’s time to let go of the pain, sorrow, disappointment, lies, upsets that keep consuming you. You should never give anyone that satisfaction of fucking you up so badly that you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. Once you don’t recognize yourself anymore/ the love you have for yourself is gone.

    2) Spoil your damn self

    When is the last time you took yourself out to dinner; a movie? Had a long, relaxing, bubble bath alone? A spa day? Booked a hotel room to just relax in for a night? Go on a shopping spree for yourself? Take a vacation, alone? How about a long walk to gather your thoughts? If you have not done any of these things at least once in your life- your not living. How can you expect for anyone to treat you like royalty if your not even treating yourself like one? How can you expect someone to know what you want when you don’t even know what you want? Knowing what you want and being able to give yourself what you want is the best thing you can do for yourself. When you are confident about your needs/ nobody can’t tell you a damn thing about your happiness.

    3) Self care should be your top priority

    You know that saying: ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’. Every once in a while we need to pause and hit the reset button. We often be running around on empty fuel and don’t realize it until our bodies just shut down unexpectedly. We have to fall in love with taking care of ourselves first before taking on the task of taking care of others. Your mental health is so crucial to your well-being so protect it by any means necessary. So relax by taking that walk, exercising, yoga, meditation, praying, journaling. Make sure you eat your 3 balanced meals a day and stay hydrated. Make sure you are getting accurate amounts of sleep. Learn how to just say ‘no’ when things are becoming overwhelming or simply just ask for a helping hand. There’s nothing selfish about putting ‘you’ first.

    4) Have a relationship with your damn self first

    I often see people come out of one serious relationship and be in another relationship the very next day. Did you even sit and think about what just occurred? What happened to having that alone time to get yourself together? Why are we so quick to accept love from others before showing ourselves that same love? There is nothing wrong with being alone! Some of y’all need that alone time because y’all don’t even recognize who you are anymore without being attached to someone and that scares the hell out of you. Dating yourself means learning about yourself. You know all of them intense questions you ask on your first date like: What are you looking for in a relationship? What are your interests? Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? What does a typical day look like for you? What vacations do you like to take? What were you like as a kid? What do you do for a living? Why are you single? What do you want out of life?- try asking yourself these questions first. Your be surprise about what you learn about yourself and it might even open your eyes to new possibilities. Dating yourself means that you are free to do whatever the hell you want. If you always wanting to scuba dive, damnit you can do it! If you ever wanted to climb Mount Everest- do it!! Dating yourself allow you to open yourself up to things that you never thought you would do so find your passion and live!

    5) Learn about yourself intimately

    Masturbation is key! Masturbation is important if you want a happy and healthy sex life. Learning every inch of your body is the best way to increase your sexual awareness and become in tune with your sexuality. Masturbation is good for your health, teaches you about your body and feel so damn good. Being sexual aware of your body not only bring on the best organisms but it teaches you what you like and don’t like when it comes to pleasure so that the next relationship you become involved in- you will have no problems taking the reins in the sexual department.

    6) Your past is just that ‘your past’

    Our past have a horrible way of sneaking up on us at the worst time. We thought we let go but it still hunts us. This ‘past’ prevents us from loving ourselves because we’re too busy either blaming ourselves or feeling sorry for ourselves. Life experiences that we encounter should be a blessing not a hindrance/ good and bad. Take those experiences and learn from them and leave it in your past. You are not to blame, it was not your fault- it was just a lap in judgement and now it’s over. Once you come to grip with this- your life will begin to chance drastically. I know it’s easier said than done but it can be done. Sometimes it can’t be done on its own so soliciting outside assistance such as a therapist, psychologist and/or life coach is never a bad idea. Forgiving yourself for your past mistakes is great for your self-worth.

    7) Find your spiritual being

    We all believe in some type of higher being so find it and hold on to it. In order to expand on the love that you had found for yourself, now it’s time to add on some spiritual element. Spirituality brings on this higher level of peace and content with yourself. Things that once rattle your soul, no longer define you. You become more humble, a better listener and more empathetic.

    I hope that my tips help you in the journey of loving your damn self first. Loving yourself will bring you the happiness and joy that you have been searching for in others. Once you fall in love with yourself/ you will find it easier to fall in love with others. Remember ‘you’ are your number 1 priority! Stay tune for my first published book ‘Love Your Damn Self First’ coming in 2019.

    Why Now?

    Why Now?

    The question is Why Not?? For centuries, women have been dehumanized, degraded, humiliated, objectified and discriminated against merely because we are viewed as emotional, too sensitive, weak, incompetent, sex symbols.

    We were and probably will never be taken seriously because let’s be realistic- we live in a male dominated world where our president is a male-chauvinist pig that have shown the world that he have no regards to any woman. I mean really- y’all elected a man that have been viewed on tape bragging about grabbing women by the genitals and saying “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” The leader of our free world had a little over 20 women accusing him of some type of sexual assault/ harassment including his ex-wife Ivana Trump so it’s no surprise to hear about him still trying to get Brett Kavanugh on that Supreme Court bench without any regards to his very own rape allegations against Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when they were teenagers. Kavanaugh confidently announced to the world during his opening statement on Thursday September 27, 2018 “I’m here today to tell the truth. I’ve never sexually assaulted anyone.” He went on and on about how these ‘false’ allegations were some twisted plan created by the Democratic Party to keep him from being the next Supreme Court judge and how he will not be ran away so easily. He wanted the world to believe that this woman, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is a liar and is destroying his life with these allegations and that he’s the victim. We as a society wonder why women like Dr.Ford are so hesitant to speak up and tell their truth- it’s because of the Harvey Weinstein’s, Donald Trumps, James Rosen’s, James Franco’s, Paul Haggis’s, Ben Vereens, Bill Cosby’s, Brett Kavanaughs and the list go on and on- that these women are afraid to even find their voices that is until now. Women are being sick of being told that the only way you can accomplish anything in life is if your willing to lay on your back or be on your knees. I have watched countlessly throughout the years how men in higher positions use their powers to get what they want and how we women are just push to the back burner when we do not give into their commands. How, as women, we have to work twice as hard as our male counterparts just to prove that we’re more than a pretty face and a fat ass. How, as women, we are not taken seriously because we misinterpret everything because of our sensitivities and insecurities. I mean, seriously- a black man drugged and rape around 60 women and all people can scream is that it was racist to trial and convict him of these crimes because majority of the women were white women. So all society see is this great, iconic man, Bill Cosby aka Cliff Huxtable; that we watched on t.v. for years being handcuffed away to jail because 60 women decided to lie on him. When are we as women are going to see the hypocrisy in this? I’m proud of the women thus far, that were brave enough to come forward and finally speak up against these men that have been getting away with using their power for decades but it’s time for all of us women to stand together in unity. It’s time to stop being each other’s worst enemy and start being each other’s support system. The main reason why must women are afraid to come forward and tell their truth is not because of what the men will say but how us women will criticize and belittle her because she’s ‘just not believable enough’. To my sisters out their that are still struggling to find their voice and speak their truth/ it’s time! We need to put a end to sexual abuse, domestic abuse, child abuse: all abuse and it starts with us speaking up!

    I AM Not My Brother’s Keeper

    I AM Not My Brother’s Keeper

    We all have the one family member that we just can’t get along with. The one you just avoid altogether because you know it will just end up in a confrontation anyway. That family member of mines happens to be my brother- that’s right the one I share a mother and father with; the one who I believe was my very first best friend. I have no idea when this disconnect begin because we were so close growing up. Of course we had our occasional arguments that sometimes lead to physical altercations but that’s what being siblings is all about. I love my brother with my whole heart and hating him hurts but it’s necessary.

    Growing up, my brother and I did not have our mother as I discussed in my previous blog post. Our father cleaned himself up (he was a alcoholic) so that he could take us in. It’s was always rumors that my father was not my biological dad but I never paid it any mind until my brother begin pointing out our differences and noticing I did not look nothing like our father or anyone in the family. I believe this was the beginning of our forever ending feud. I don’t know if he hated the fact that I was not his father’s daughter but our father still gave me whatever I wanted or that he was just being mean and spiteful.

    Despite everything, I have always tried to be that good big sister, even though he shitted on me every chance he had. As a kid, he was always a punk when it came to taking up for himself. We was two years apart but I was always fighting his battles. I never realized though that when I needed a brother to have my back he would duck or run. I remember one incident he got into with a kid around the way who kept bullying him. This kid was beating the shit out of my brother so me being the big sister had to stop it. I didn’t care that he was a boy and that he could perhaps beat my ass the same way he was beating my brother ass but I couldn’t sit around and allow him to continue bullying my brother. I cussed the boy out, told him to get off of my brother before I whipped his ass. He proceeded to call me all kinds of bitches and I proceeded to give him the ass whipping my brother should of gave him. Needless to say this kid was embarrassed about getting beat up by a skinny, bow legged girl and never came around again. Do you think my brother jumped in and help? No he ran like a little bitch in the house and at 12 yrs old I realized that I can’t keep having no ones back that don’t have mines regardless if it’s blood or not.

    As we became older, we became more and more distant. The dudes on the streets treating me more of a sister than he did. But that never took away from the fact that whenever he needed me, I was there. When he was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at 15 years old, I was at the hospital everyday- learning about this disease and how to take care of him. I was the one administering his insulin and making sure he eat healthy. When he was arrested at 21 years old for the first time- I was the one seeing him every week and making sure he had commissary. When he didn’t have a place to go when he was released- I took him in without any hesitation and he didn’t pay me a dime. So after all I done for him/ why am I the bad guy?

    When your dealing with a person: family or not, that are dealing with their own demons/ you can never answer that question. No matter how much good you do for that person, they will always find something bad about you. I finally realized this and started saying ‘no’ to my brother. At first I felt guilty and wrong but at some point, I had to allow him to grow up. Of course by doing this/ he begin to hate me more and more because I wasn’t there for him when he needed or I deserted him in the world. I could no longer allow someone to continue mentally draining me to the point I was neglecting my own self care. When I begin to let go of the toxicity he was bringing into my life- I begin to have clarity about our relationship. In order for you to become a better you/ you need to let go of the very things that are preventing you to become a better you.